Some Thoughts

So, it’s morning now. I’m at work – it’s 8:45 am and I’ve been at the Desk for a little over an hour.

I find myself a little restless. Everything in my life is going so beautifully and so well; I am happier and more serene than I’ve ever been. And yet, I continue to feel a little too happy, a little too at ease. My theory is that as the stress of the year begins to disappear, I am unaccustomed to my newfound relaxation.

On a micro level, I get to feeling guilty. I shouldn’t be having all this free time to fart around on the Internet, right? I should be working, doing something productive… right? Right? Of course that’s bullshit – if I have nothing better to do at the moment, then I have nothing better to do –  but it still makes me feel a little uneasy.

On a macro level, it’s even more confusing. I get to feeling bored. I feel like I need to screw something up, add some stress into my life, mess up my life in some way. I feel like something isn’t right unless I’ve got something to deal with.

I talked to Chris about it, and he helped me put into perspective. On a narrow level, I’m only going to have this free time for a little while, so it’s perfectly okay to enjoy it while it lasts. It won’t last forever, and soon, I’ll be back to the grind; better enjoy it while I can! And on a broader level, maybe I should think about why I get to feeling bored. Spending time with Chris is an amazing shot of energy, but what else can I do to add passion to my life? It doesn’t have to be negative stress; it can be positive, too! So what can I do to get more out of the rest of my life?

See, this is why I love my life and I love who I’m with. Everything I can tell him I’m feeling is perfectly valid, and he is infinitely patient. He’s perfectly willing to just sit down, listen to me, and talk it out with me. Feeling guilty? Let it go. Feeling bored? Okay, how come? What can we do to fix it? Never once has he belittled me or ignored me, and never once has he avoided conversations. He’s a gift, that’s for sure!

Anyway, here’s some ideas I had:

– In the short term, I’m going to enjoy these few days while I can. Take it nice and slow, spend time taking care of myself, and devote myself to relaxing and studying. Like I said, it’s not going to last, so why not take advantage of it when I can? As long as I continue to maintain my studies, there’s no need to feel guilty every time I get a few minutes to relax.

– In the long term, here are some things I can do to add more spice into my life (besides work, research, and the occasional summer involvement): Work on investigating Judaism. Work on cooking and gardening. Learn to make sushi. Read and write more! Explore more multifaith ideas – especially the idea of fully-fledged interfaith weekend festival. Work on developing my courses such that I can take Hebrew my senior year. Plan my WEDDING! Plan post-bac and grad school. Keep in touch more often with friends and family. Go out on a limb, and do one thing every day that scares me.

“Be happy for this moment; this moment is your life!”

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